Oy vey

so... i totally don't get things in life. like the way things work.

why must society define everything?

why must i always be wrong?

why can't i be right?

why must you bring up my past?

you say the past is the past.

well let it be..

you see,

you define me as strange

you define me as not normal

you see me in a light no one else sees.

why can't you see me the way i am?

as just... me?

don't follow me. i run into walls. literally.

Ow. So last night? Pretty amazing. I saw my friend from the hospital, Brandon at Boondocks, met a guy named Patrick, and a totally cute (in a Frenchy way) French boy named Pierre. :D

But when we were playing laser tag, I totally ran into the freaking wall. It hurts..

But I got to practice my Frenchh!!!

The amount of tears I've cried,
Is nothing compared to what I feel inside.
I love you and I wish you were home,
It hurts me to think you're so alone.
It's not the same without you here,
Why you're gone is still unclear.
I remember when we'd play in the yard,
Then we'd go sit inside and play some cards.
You'd look at me and smile,
The cheesy grin that would stretch a mile.
I think of you every night before I go to sleep,
And occasionally I believe I still hear you creep.
Sometimes it's like you're still here,
I look at the door and wait for you to appear.
Then I realise you're not home,
And go back to feeling all alone.
I love you so much you just don't know,
No matter what you'll always be my dad.
Your little girl is growing so fast,
I wish you were here to see her laugh.
I miss you my father,
I miss you my best friend.
Just sitting here in thought
and waiting for the end...

If you see a girl with this discription please call 911 with reference to case # 09-34609 Description: Age - 15 Hair - brown, short cut Eyes - blue Height - 5'3" Weight - 189 Clothing: - Hoodie (brown sleeveless with a blue design on front), - Skirt (blue denim with black capris) - Boots (black with tan rubber heel)

This isn't the way it's supposed to be..

You see... I don't understand. I really don't. I think I do... Yet I don't. At all. And I dunno what to do about it all.

You say you've changed. I see it in yours eyes. I see it when you cry

Yet I can't bring myself to totally understand.

Understand why I feel like this.

Before you thought you were losing me.

Maybe I was just losing you.

It feels different.. And it's not a good different. And I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

I love you. I do.

But... things with other people are escalating again and it's getting bad.

Just know... No matter what I am here

Whether or not I have issues.

I don't know, and CAN'T know something is wrong

unless you tell me..

I will work on being more open

if you do too.

For... Love is a two way street.

All day she smiled.
She laughed.
And stole hearts.

She walked the halls,
With confidence.
And innocence.

But when she got home.

Her life seemed to spiral downward.
Along with her happiness.
She searched her house.
For the objects that could take away the pain.

She punctured her pale skin,
And dug in deeper.
She cried tears,
Not delicate and angelic tears, of course not.
But the tears ofthe broken.
The beaten.

Her stomach churns,
As the pain increases.
All is lost,
Broken to pieces.

~~Just so you know, I didn't cut. It's just how I feel.

Beyond My Horizon

All I see are people
The commotion is too much
I look out just to see blue and nothing else
Blue and people
The people walk by
Not even bothering to look out
They will see the same thing though
Blue and nothing else
The don’t undersatnd
That there’s more that that
A different world that no one will ever discover
They have to look out hard to see it
They have to see beyond the horizon
Too bad they don’t care

epiphany

You know? Everyone is right. What's in the past is done.

Sure me and my dad had our issues, but why not try to really start over? I'm going to stop feeling guilty about things that are NOT my fault. No matter WHO tells me it's my fault. Because honestly, they're only playing the blame game. For some reason people like to blame me for their problems with other people. Now they need to grow up and realize it's their own damn fault. And other past issues, like past boyfriends and how they hurt me, should not be a factor in how I deal with a current boyfriend. (<3)>

I should not let the fear of the future, the unknown, effect me negatively. I should let it influence the reactions and decisions I make.

Like, I love science. I wanted to be an astrophysicist. It'd be great to be one, but I realized that I want to help people. I want to be a psych nurse. I want to influence people, be an attribute to society and maybe really help people. And when I am helping people I feel a lot better about myself.

here we sit. another cold night
getting ready to battle another fight.
under the bed is where we hide
holding eachother side by side
we hear a loud bang. the door bashes open
here comes drunk

Daddy slurring his words spoken
he looks around for us to come out
so he can beat us. so he can shout
he finally finds us under the bed
and pulls us apart by the hair on our head
beating and beating, over and again
when will these brutal beatings end?
he gives my sister another smack
she falls to her knees, not looking back
i reach out my hand i go over to help
next thing i knew i was thrown into the self
my body colides with the hard floor
but Daddy doesn't stop, he wants more.
he kickes me in the ribs, my sister in the head
the floor now has splatters of red
but it's not over, it doesn't stop there
no, theres lots more pain that we must bare
"daddy stop, daddy please!"
begs my sister on her knees.
all he does is smile a eerie laugh
he's about to show us his full wrath
he pins us both to the ground
covers our mouths so we can't make a sound
he punches me in the face, hits my eyes
my sister lets out painful cries
finally he's done. he lays us on the bed
kisses us both on our head
"i love you" he says with his laugh
tomorrow night we'll face more of his wrath
he shuts the door. and locks it tight
the sun begins to appear. ending the night
we sit on the bed. holding each other again
crying and shaking. until the pain ends
hell has an identity. Dad is his name
and tonight. we'll be the same
hell is a person. we call him Father
we are his 2 little daughters
and here we are.

holding eachother tight

hoping this time.

we make it through the night

best friends

the first time i met him, i think i scared him.. I wanted to pet his pretty long and shiny hair...

but we eventually wound up really getting to know each other. the first night I really got to know him, his mom wasn't being the best person in the world.

we wound up dating. it really helped up in our friendship believe it or not... I let my own insecurities of the future get to me.

(Btw Ben, I think that's one of our problems.)

We broke up.

but now we're best of friends. i consider him my bestest friend. so i guess the heartache and suffering was worth it because now i have someone i can count on 25/7. more than the regular 24/7. :D

Thanks Ned. =D

this one's for you

I'm not the best person in the world. But I'm also not the worst. But I know I have.. Issues. I feel... abandoned very easy. Things in my past didn't go the way I would want them to go and yet I'm still learning from things still that happened YEARS ago. It still effects me. In some ways it's positive.

I'm a stronger person because of what happened. Yet some of these positives turn negative.

I became dependent on me. And only me. Yet that turns negative really quickly.

Like with Ben... I don't trust him. Well.. I do, but not 100% because of my past. Let alone Ben and mine's past (which isn't the best). And it just sucks, because I can't change it, no matter how hard I try to.

We've fallen for each other,

Captivated by the love that is pounding deep in our hearts with the music only a mere background

We sway across the floor; hand in hand squeezed tightly,

Your heart beating through your fingers, the vibration within the floor

Gazing up into your eyes; I drown within the color of your irises

I want to fall deeper,

To lock myself in your heart

I want to hold you close to me,

To cherish every moment we have with each other

I want us to stay in love for eternity

All I want is to be with you

You may not remember me,
But I always supported you.
Sure it was another name but that one's gone.
And now I'm considered new.
But I wanted to be your friend,
And help you discover you can go far.
Only a couple times did I take that chance.
I've been too wrapped up in my own life,
To stand in the rain in dance.
But there's a storm brewing outside,
And I hope you'll come with me.
Dance and let go of the pain.
Be what I know you can be.
I'm just a silly little girl that doesn't trust at all.
But I'd trust you with my life.
As a matter of fact, you once held me up when I was about to fall.
I wish I was closer to you,
And I wish you could help me with what I do.
I try to make light of everything around.
But I start to break,
And my tears make a sound.
When I'm upset I go to your page and smile.
And trust me, it's not something I do more than once in awhile.
This may be the worst poem I ever wrote.
But these words inside me need to be spoke.
I will forever hold you in my heart.
And I will be there if your world falls apart.

Poem 1

Whenever life seems to

drift you away from me,

I can't help but to cry.

You've grown to be

such a part of me

that without you, life is

no more than

a desperate sigh.

They say love comes

and goes, and to

that I disagree.

So here's my hand,

take it and don't let

go of me.

<3

Ranting and Raving of the Heavenly Life

You see, I've got two dogs at my mom's house. Murray and Daisy. They've both been attacked on seperate occassions. Murray got the worst of it. Yet last night Murray was attacked by Ginger (same dog that's attacked as before). It's not as bad as last time but still makes me want to take a stand or something. But he should be okay. :)

But for now I'm watching Criss Angel. Have you ever seen this? It's crazy stuff man! But he's really cool at the same time. He's about to walk on glass... which I'm sorry, but it seems like it would hurt. I think it's a lot of mind over matter.

So I'm still pretty sick. Not running a high fever which is good, but my stomach and throat are in actual... Bad pain. Hopefully I'll be able to go to a doctor today. I think they want to do a blood test to see if the virus is dead from the last round of antibiotics.

But.. Things with Ben are getting there. Of course we have our issues, but what real couple doesn't. I think we skipped out on the whole... Oh my gosh you're my world phase and went into the "real" relationship (yes I know that sounds crazy).

I might be making dinner on Friday night. Hope I don't burn down the house.